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4月5日 Faye Wong 王菲 I cannot really remember when I fell in love with her. Or should I say fell in love with her voice. I have been asking myself all these years. Why do I only love her Chinese songs. Why do I not like any other singers' songs. It must be her voice. I vaguely remembered what a feeling it was when I first heard her singing. Angelic.Divine.Heavenly.Smoothing...yet Rebellious. Now, after all these years, I still feel the same as when her songs first moved me. She was the reason why I ever bother to listen to Chinese/ Canto Songs. My Queen, my idol. But I heard from the radio the other day that Faye is not going to sing anymore... If what I heard is true, then a star has fallen. A Diva of the era lost. 2月15日 Hermit to the Current Affairs Not really sure when it all started. As in, time really flies, without me noticing I have lost touch with the current affairs. Yeah, I think it all started when I first got a car. When I started working, my mode of travel was MRT. Travelling time was really hard to beat. I would usually bring along some literature to kill times. Sometimes, there would be office documents (Boy! can you imagine how bad I wanted to kill time travelling on the MRT!) But came the 'Streats' and 'Today' tabloids. Ha! Things really changed. Travelling on the MRT was no longer that bored. And I became more 'current affairs' savvy, hahaha! I would have finished almost every pages of the Streats or Today upon reaching my station. Good times ended when I got my car. Began the era when I am a hermit to the current affairs... 1月8日 曾经遗失的感觉(7) Gold Coast 今天2008年1月8日。来了GoldCoast 已有一个多星期。 好开心! 好享受! 心情好放忪! 似曾好长时间都没那么真正的: 什么都不去但心，一切都不重要。 什么都不去想， 一切都不重要。 什么都不去计划，一切都不重要。 回到GoldCoast一个多星期，还觉得玩的不够! 来了这里， J 特地请了两个星期的假期。 女人到了一个年龄， 会很明显。 J 已三十啦，但那清秀的脸还是那么的开朗。 12月30日 曾经遗失的感觉(6) Gold Coast两天前回到了这熟悉的地方。 独自走在Nerang的街头。 怀念的地方。 我们总是会怀念 那些我们失去的。 怀念Gold Coast的书店、 怀念Gold Coast的朋友、 怀念Gold Coast的Fish and Chips、 怀念Gold Coast的no worries, mate、 怀念Gold Coast的建筑。 怀念。。。的她。 怀念Gold Coast， 然而也给我好多的回忆。 在这两星期回星加坡前， 得好好的享受Gold Coast的感觉。 11月14日 阿Q的精神 许多看似坚强的心, 其实后藏著脆弱的灵魂。 在人的社会中, 我们难免必须与人竞争. 在遇挫折时或是看到比我们强的人， 难免产生自卑感。 每个人心中都有自卑感。 有人以阿Q的精神面对,有人则是自卑感产生自大狂 好在人类的世界是多元的 每个人都可以找到自己的一片天空, 自己存在的价值 11月2日 大树、天空、勇气小时候, 住在马来西亚， 屋旁有颗大树。 经常要爬上屋顶, 扫叶子与補漏水的地方。 午后黃昏, 躺在屋顶上， 透过树叶间的细缝, 望着大树后的天空。 树那向上生长的姿态, 总带給你 一股生生不息的感动。 人也该勇敢的走向自己的白云天， 但你不知理想在哪里, 信仰在哪里。 想看天空, 何不离开树下? 少了大树的遮蔽, 万里晴空不就一览无遗。 你说, 树需要依偎着天, 少了树, 天空也就不那么美了。 9月29日 曾经遗失的感觉(4)就这么决定吧。。。 不想把这拖拉下去。。。我共J是不可能的。她经历过两次的感情挫折， 让她怀念起当时。。。她也只是把我当成是暂时的精神寄托吧。但曾经与她是那么的好朋友，看到她这样，怎不让我心疼，令我怜惜。 让她有任何遐想更是不行。 從不知如何去恨到忘了怎样去爱。 有些事不知道比知道幸福。 有些事经历比不经历痛苦。 随着年岁增长，忙碌掩蓋了生活。。。 茫然则是忙碌之外最常有的感受。 知道了一些事情后，不禁想问当初坚持的人: 現状真的是你所期待的? 抑或是心中过意不去的一种妥协? 时光不等人。。。如果当初的坚持都可以在时空变换后自动调整， 那些坚持又所謂何來? 与J知心表明后， 一切的一切，只希望她能幸福。 ======================================================================================= English Version (Translated on 03 Oct 2007): I have decided. I do not want to make it seems like there is still something between us. I mean, there was not anything to begin with. Yes, we were confiding friends (at least that was what I thought), but we had not even started. More ever, it had been so long. Even if we were an item back then, would things be the same again? It's impossible between us. J is probably depressed at the moment. Having gone through 2 failed relationships, J's probably looking back at those days when she felt safe and secure being with me, a man. This is not what I want. This is not fair to her as well. But somehow, it really hurts to see her in this state... it really does hurt. But neither do I want to be the next to hurt her by giving her any false impression. Maybe it is me. Looking back these 7 years, I devoted almost all my energy at work, leaving not much left for other finer things in life... perhaps this made me insensitive to any relationship. Even though that person can be so close, so familiar, so comfortable to be with, or... so ideal. Now, if I can turn back time, perhaps at this juncture, I would be a better man. If only I can turn back time, I would make different turns or take different paths throughout these 7 years. If I can turn back time, I would ask myself "is suppressing the past what you really want? ". I cannot turn back time. J... you must find a man whom you can give your heart to; and make sure that he truly gives you his too. I am no longer the same me that you used to know. 9月22日 曾经遗失的感觉(3)Confused. Instead of ensuring my interpretation was correct, I ended up getting confused. Why am I ending up getting confused...?
Reached home yesterday (20/09/2007) later than 7pm... caught in a traffic jam... J's timezone is 2 hrs ahead of Singapore time. Didn't want to call J too late. I planned to do some office work after that. Called around 7:30pm after a shower. Made a coffee before calling. Guess it was a hunch or what. She told me that she got a feeling that I would call. I also got the feeling that she knew that I will call her. I still remembered her words very well at our conversation. I guess writing in Chinese/ Mandarin is more appropriate...as both of us spoke in Chinese, as we always did.
其实，从始至终，我都没追求过J。但不知为何我共她在别人面前就像一般情侣。但对我而言，我们只是非常谈的来的‘一对’朋友。
J 她是'邻家女孩'类型的好女孩。就好像我前几个blog所讲到，这类型的女孩是我当时理想的女性伴侣。
..."你知道吗，这好象以前一样。。你还没call我，我之前会有预感。" ...
..."嘻嘻，跟你讲啊。。。就算让你知道，你都不会在乎。。会吗? 我猜你还是不会留意这些小小的gesture。" ...
我想，她讲的对吧。7年多前的我就是这副不留意身边简单事情的个性，7 年多后的我也是这么样。她跟我讲这的时候，我顿时迷惑。。。过了那么长的时间。。。J 好像都没忘了我的缺点与我和她的一些事情。
相反的。。在整个谈话中，我却忘了我跟她的好多往事。是J让我记起了一些回忆, 其中:
* 和她第一次吃 pizza 的 郊外小店(Frankston，Melbourne)。 一间由一户意大利移民家庭开的小店。用相当传统 的大烘炉制做每一个pizza。不是high class 或冷气设备的一个小店，但却是我们这些口袋紧大学生的好去处。Frankston 有好几间类似的pizza小店。当时去CN 家时经过，刚巧是晚餐时间。
J 还记得当时吃的是1片seafood pizza(我都不记得了，我也忘了我吃的是哪样pizza...天，她还记得我叫的是2片black pepper)。 她对我说。。。在2000 年搬至GoldCoast的往后7年多都没再尝到那么味美与好口感的seafood pizza了。令她相当怀念当时。。。好想回到大学时代，简单的生活。
J 她 2002 年再次回到Melbourne探望CN时，那间小店已经不再那儿营业。她听CN说那家庭已搬迁到 Darwin 去了。
* 与她看的第一部电影 Meet Joe Black.
那是我在1999年中考后与她看的第一部电影 。她喜欢Brad Pitt的电影 (多数女孩应该都会喜欢‘看Brad Pitt' 的电影吧
 )。和她前后看了8部电影，只有 'Meet Joe Black' 是单独与她看的惟一电影。后来的几部都有CN 陪着的。。。谁叫CN是J的好姊妹。 难道CN 觉得我有那么不可靠吗? 难道CN 连 J 也不相信吗? Haiz...不被信任的感觉真不好受。要不是CN那天考试，就连'Meet Joe Black' 她也跟去了。当时戏票售10澳元，现在售15澳元。不禁让人深深感受到时间不饶人不为任何人而停止的无奈。
* 和她的第一夜
一点暧昧都没有。1999 年终，她需要我帮她赶 Java assignment。Java 当时还是很新的 Programming Language, 难倒了相当多的学生。但奇怪的事，我却好像如鱼得水一般，对Object Oriented 的概念感到非常随心应手。但对J，只要是Programming Language， 她都会特别吃力，经常得付出比别人多的时间来理解。如果是Programming 以外的科目，J 都没问题。
3 个星期至
几天 前，我都有问过她需要我帮忙吗。但我知道她的性格。她是努力不到最侯一分钟，她是不会开口喊救命的。她不是依赖人的一个女孩。只是programming对她来说。。。她真的不行。
但也真要命。忙了一个晚上又一个凌晨才给我们赶上assignment期限。。那就是我与J的‘第一夜’。 * 和她在Melborne 机场告别的一幕
1999 年12月。 J，CN，HS，TE，QS，BM 和 Johnson 都给我送机，我并没特别注意J的神情。。。 那时，印象中我记得她与平时并没什么不一样。只是感觉上有点儿疲倦， 有点儿静。但还不失平时的开朗，笑容还是相当的迷人。 我并没象老外们在送机时有拥抱的习惯，与BM 和QS 来个hi-5的击掌式的好运祝福。对其他以口头祝福告别。虽然说是简单祝福，我那时是幸福的。有点儿舍不得， 必尽与大家相识有1 - 3年之久。但各有各自的路得走。 J 握著我的手腕。。。握了一阵。不记得握了多久。也没留意大家有没看到那一幕。我也不理会大家怎么想或怎么看，必尽我已经习惯别人开玩笑和误会我与J之间的关系。。。当时J的眼睛有点儿泛红有点儿露出疲累。。。回新加坡的途中那一幕不停勇现在我的眼前。。。她应该有点儿舍不得我这谈得来的好朋友吧。当时我是那么想。 这往后的7年多里，我再也没碰上任何可以谈心谈天谈地谈事的人。。。 想起回新加坡后与CN的一封email. 我进机场Departure Hall不久，J 个自一人走到Mc Donalds, 静静地哭了。Johnson... 在他其中的一封email也这样提到。。。我以为大家又开我和J的玩笑，不加以在意。但当时我还是打了一通电话给J。记得她说没那回事，叫我别在意CN的胡言乱语。。。从她声音，她依旧开朗依旧阳光。 在结束昨天3 小时的谈话。。。她问我。M杰，你可曾喜欢过我? 一切的一切。 ======================================================================================= English Version (Translated on 02 Oct 2007): Confused. Instead of ensuring my interpretation was correct, I
ended up getting confused. Why am I ending up getting confused...?
Reached home yesterday (20/09/2007) later than 7pm... caught in a traffic jam... J's timezone is 2 hrs ahead of Singapore time. Didn't want to call J too late. I planned to do some office work after that. Called around 7:30pm after a shower. Made a coffee before calling. Guess it was a hunch or what. She told me that she got a feeling that I would call. I also got the feeling that she knew that I will call her. I still remembered her words very well at our conversation. I
guess writing in Chinese/ Mandarin is more appropriate...as both of us
spoke in Chinese, as we always did.
As I mentioned, J was really the type I would love to have as a GF 7 years back. Even so, I just couldn't bring myself to be with her then. No, not that there was anything wrong with her or me. You need chemistry to know that she or he is the one. Guess I treated her more as a friend. I felt really comfortable with her. It was not love. It was something else, I always thought. Over the phone. .." You know, it's like in the past back then... I got a hunch that you would call...".. .." Tell you about it?... heee..Even if I do, would you notice these subtle gestures?..".. She was right. I was someone who would not notice anything that was subtle. I was like that 7 years ago. I AM still someone who do not notice anything subtle. You need to tell me explicitly for me to know what you really feel. Those words struck me. J seemed to remember my shortcomings and the many things that happened between us. It was me who have forgotten these things, our things. Among other things: *Our first pizza in the little pizza shop in suburb Frankston (Melbourne)
*Our first movieThe shop was owned by an Italian family who migrated to Australia. They had this big big brick bake oven that churned out true blue Italian pizzas. Yummmyyy. It was not anything near a restaurant nor did it had any air-con. But boy, it sure was an attraction to us oversea students on tight budget, ha! There were quite a few pizza outlets and shops in Frankston back then. It was almost dinner time when we visited CN. J remembered she had 1 piece of seafood pizza (I had clean forgotten. Well done, Isaac. Boy... She remembered that I had 2 pieces of black pepper..). J, over the phone, lamented that she had not had better pizza for the past 7 years after she moved to GoldCoast in year 2000. She wanted so much to travel back in time, to be back at school again where things were simplier then. When J visited CN in 2002, she heard from CN that the shop had moved to Darwin. Meet Joe Black. That was our first movie. It was mid 1999 after our 1st semester exams. She loves Brad Pitt. She loves Brad Pitt movies, like many other gals I suppose. We had 8 movies in total (she remembers that number), but Meet Joe Black was the only one that we watched alone. We had our dear CN with us in the other movies that we had subsequently. CN was J good friend. Didn't CN trust me (hey!), it sure felt lousy not to be trusted. But c'mon, couldn't she trust J also? If CN did not have 1 more module back then, she would have also followed J to 'Meet Joe Black'. Back then, a movie ticket was sold for $10 Aussie. Now you pay $15 Aussie. Boy, time flies. SAD! *Our first night Nothing. Nothing happened. Really. Nov 1999. J had some problem in her year end assignment. Java was a very new programming language back then. Java had claimed substantial casualities. The strange thing was, programming had never been any problem to me, especially Object-Oritented programming languages. But to J, as long as it was any programming language, she sucked big time. For any other thing else, J was a spark. J remembered that I asked her if she needed help well before the deadline (This I remember). But knowing her, she would not shout for help if she had not exhausted her wits in getting the assignment out. She was not some gal who would depend or leech on someone else. But programming language was a killer to her... We spent the whole evening, night and morning to rush out the assigment. Cheers to our first night. Dec 1999. J, CN, HS, TE, QS BM and Johnson were with me at the airport. I did not really noticed anything unusal on J's look on her face. She was just like her ususal self, just a bit weary, a bit quiet. But her smile looked so charming, as always. I did not do what the Aussies do best. I did not hug the guys. BM, QS and I did a hi-5. For the rest, we gave each other our best wishes. I felt serene at that moment then. I knew them for 1 to 3 years afterall. But I reckon we needed to go our separate ways. I needed to go back to Singapore, they had to pursue whatever they had in mind. J held on to my hands. It seemed a long time. But I could not remember how long she held on to my hands. I did not really bother how the guys looked at us nor did I really care what the guys had in their minds. Afterall, I had already got used to what they thought of us or looked at us back then. I remembered J's eyes were moisted... her weariness showed. The sights, those images appeared before me once and once again on my way back to Singapore. She must really missed me as a confiding friend, I thought. Since then, for more than 7 years after that, I had not met with anyone whom I can confide in. I had not known anyone who I can talk about anything. I remember an email from CN not long after I left. After I entered into the Departure Hall, J walked quietly into Mc Donald's and wepted quietly for 2 hours before CN got her back to Frankston. Johnson mentioned the same thing to me in one of his emails. I thought that could be one of their nasty pranks back then. But I still made a call to J... just in case. I remember that J told me CN was sprouting nonsense... asked me to ignore her. From her voice, she sounded cheerful and sunshine. In yesterday's conversation, when we talked about this, she was silent, she did not say anything... 'Have you ever like me before, ever?', she asked. That came after the long silence and before we ended our 3 hours conversation. Why? .... I am confused. 9月20日 曾经遗失的感觉(2)I felt uneasy for the whole day since yesterday.
I think I better not stay late in office today...
 . I want to finish whatever I can, and end the meeting by 6pm.Kept on thinking about last night's conversation with J. No, I am not having any fancy thoughts of seizing any opportunity here.
I just want to make sure something that she mentioned to me last night. Just to make sure that I interpret it correctly.
If I reach home and call her at 7pm, it would be 9pm over her side.
9月19日 曾经遗失的感觉(1) Letting GoWhile I can say my career is a breeze nowadays, whether it is due to natural progression of things; or whether it is because the amount of care and dedication given to work; or whether it is due to the passion I have for the job; or whether it is due to knowing the right person at work; or whether it is the sheer effort that I have given.
I do not really care now
 .But I do appreciate whatever opportunities given to me to prove my worth. And thus far I have not given up on any tasks or challenges assigned to me... I am thankful. Sincerely, I am thankful.
Looking back at those days really started to make me wonder whether all these are worth it, or not.
I asked myself: On the flipside, what have I sacrified or lost during those days when I gained ground in my career.
Things are no longer what I knew them when I started out to work.
In the past, I can be very happy and satisfied with just a a nice coffee in the morning; and my mood will be nice for the whole day. Now I have taken thing for granted that I no longer appreciate a nice coffee. Now, it's just a coffee.
J called last night. Although we have not met for very long time, I still recognised her voice instantly. I was surprised why she would call me after all these years. She was my dream girl, the 'girl next door' type. Quite innocent. Although she is a Taiwanese... She still stay in Gold Coast. She have not went back for the past 7 years. I remembered the times when I would try to ask her out for a date, hahaha
 , but her friend would always tag along.She is not the pretty type but there's something about her that made me looked at her longer than I should. Johnson always asked me the same question: What's special about her?
She is not a vain persion, and she did not wear much make up or sometimes she did not even wear any makeup. But to me that was the most natural look that a lady should have. She was thrifty and did not don pretty cloths. Always wear a jean skirt or jeans or blouse. Simple type of cloths. Most importantly, I feel very comfortable and enjoyed talking with her. Sometimes we would talk many hours in the campus before we headed back our places. I do not know why I can talk so long and on so many things with a girl. She's basically a very simple and yet talkative girl if you know her well enough. Although she looks like a very quiet girl.
She called because she had just broke off with her boyfriend...
If it was 7 years ago, I would be very happy to have heard her voice. I do not know now. Maybe I am too much into my career that I no longer can enjoy other things in life. SAD!
We chatted for an hour before we hung up. Maybe it is me. I am no longer the same me that she used to know. I am not the same talkative person that she used to be able to talk about anything. Think she sensed it too. She said she needed a person to talk to.
She is still the same. had 2 boyfriends after I left Australia (although I was not her boyfriend). I do not fancy any thoughts to be her next. This is not my way. I will not take advantage when she is low in mood. I can only treat her as a friend and ...therefore could only do my part in talking to her and console her. I guess for a lady, breaking up with a guy always hurt. I sincerely wish her well and hope that she can try to let go of things that are not meant to be hers. I guess time heals all.
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